East of Lincoln

  The Downsizing of Hudson Foster

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, organizations, places, events, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Please Note

  No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the copyright owner.

  Formatting by ampersandbookinteriors.com

  Cover design by David Gee

  First Edition

  Copyright © 2019 by Harlin Hailey

  All rights reserved.

  Table of Contents

  East of Lincoln

  Also by Harlin Hailey

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  The Late Boomers

  Bales Meets Mr. Clean

  The Artist of Santa Monica

  Fire and Rain

  Chasing the Sun

  The End of Bling

  Pale Rider

  Hashtag and the Purple Slippers

  The Way of the Samurai

  Twilight's last Gleaming

  All in the Family

  Zero Dark Thirty

  Back in the High Life Again

  Game of Thrones

  Everything is Brilliant

  The Blair Witch Project

  Driving Miss Uber

  Skeptical and Searching

  These Are the Times We Live In

  Giant Steps

  The End of White Men

  The Great Displacement

  Don't Fear the Reaper

  Midnight Train to Georgia

  More Cuervo

  Crouching Asshole, Hidden Dick

  The Last of the Mohicans

  Something Brewing

  The End of the World As We Know It

  A Season in Hell

  Never Get out of the Boat

  Paradigm Change

  I Thought She Was Into It

  Splitting Atoms

  Small Dogs in Sweaters

  Apocalypse Now

  Easy With A Gun

  Colors of the Pier

  Sweet Dreams

  Blinking Red Light

  Expanded Man

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  To My Mother

  One has to believe in what one is doing, one has to commit oneself inwardly, in order to do painting. Once obsessed, one ultimately carries it to the point of believing that one might change human beings through painting. But if one lacks passionate commitment, there is nothing left to do. Then it is best to leave it alone. For basically painting is total idiocy.

  —GERHARD RICHTER

  Once, if my memory serves me well, my life was a banquet where every heart revealed itself, where every wine flowed.

  —ARTHUR RIMBAUD, A Season in Hell

  It was Bales who came up with the plan.

  We’d stage the Artist’s death, watch his paintings soar in value, then sell at the peak. It was brilliant, actually. The Artist would get famous, go viral, and we’d all get a cut. Except for the Artist, of course. Or so they’d all think.

  But it didn’t work out that way. We never executed the plan, but I know now it seeded something nasty inside that troubled mind of Bales’s. And even to this day, I’m still trying to work through it all. Let alone comprehend it. It’s not easy writing about the death of a loved one. But you do the best you can.

  So forgive me, I’m still raw.

  My real name is Richard Jenkins. But you won’t hear it much in this tale. Most of the time they call me Clean. My father is a retired high school principal, my mother a State Farm agent. I grew up in Van Nuys, California, in a nice ranch house in a leafy suburb, and graduated from San Diego State University with a business degree that time rendered moot. Along with silly dreams, girls I’ve loved before, and old tarnished trophies. I’m fifty-three years old now, and I was once a “successful” real estate agent in the San Fernando Valley.

  Now I’m not.

  And that’s all you need to know about me. Because for all intents and purposes, I’m invisible.

  So what do you do when you find yourself on the wrong side of history for the first time in your life? How do you survive? Well, you make decisions. Moral decisions. And then you live with the consequences. That’s what you do. That’s all you can do. Because for so many years, you had it so good. So good you slept through wars, had sex without condoms, raped the land, and hogged the dream. And then suddenly—bang!—you find yourself at odds with the day at hand. What used to work just doesn’t anymore. So you take a hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask that mediocre reflection, Who the fuck am I? Where do I go from here? And then you realize who you are, where you came from.

  We were the late boomers, born between 1956 and 1965: three-channel kids, told what to watch, how to live, and what to think.

  We drank the Jim Jones punch. Mastered the fine art of consumption. And now America has left us for dead, our distended bellies rotting on the side of the road, forever jonesing.

  We were going to film the Artist’s death on my iPhone. Dark and grainy, like that Pollock documentary. Have him rant into the camera about how his life had become unmanageable and that the best thing to do would be to kill himself. I suggested a handgun. The Artist had intimated a fondness for pills. But it was Bales who brought the plan down to its base. Suicide was too conventional, he said, too clichéd, and what the public needed was a murder. That’s when he pulled the samurai sword off the mantelpiece. He unsheathed it from the red leather scabbard, dropped down on one knee, and studied its polished blade by the soft glow of firelight. The Artist thought he was joking, but I knew he was serious.

  The sad thing was, I didn’t do a damn thing about it.

  I don’t blame myself for what happened to the Artist on the night of December 21, but it still haunts me. These days, I blame the Great Recession. That horrible time of crippling stagnation that left us feeling weightless and hollowed out. I mean, what can I say? It stole our lives, then broke our hearts.

  All you had to do was look around. The signposts of our demise were plain as day. The Artist had become increasingly distant, withdrawn. Some said emotionally unhinged. And then there was Bales, dredging the abyss of cheap alcohol and drugs, an entitled punk looking to save his own ass. He didn’t know it then, but he was mining for table scraps from a bygone era—a fruit fly darting from one scheme to another. And me, nothing more than a bald, fragile shell of my former self, philosophically at odds with the decline of the empire. Give me liberty or give me death!

  Those were just words now.

  I guarantee you this: you take away a man’s rice bowl and you’ll watch him turn into a savage. Watch him descend into hell.

  The story I’m going to tell you is the same story I told the cops. I wasn’t there the night of the murder. But I wish I had been. I would’ve killed the fuck. That’s the cold sound truth. Maybe I should have seen it coming, but it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. There wasn’t a damn thing I could have done about it. End-of-the-world forces were working beyond my control—beyond everyone’s control.

  So what follows here is only a fragmented recollection of my own personal fog of war, a hazy recounting of unaccommodated men gone mad. It is often harsh, sometimes brutal, but always honest.

  My father once said, “Everybody’s got a story in Los Angeles.”

  This is mine.

  The n
ight I met Bales, he was screaming at his wife in the courtyard about the sorry state of their financial affairs. The first thing I noticed about him was his sharp, mean nose. I remember the evening clearly because I was watching the third presidential debate with the Artist, the famous “horses and bayonets” beatdown. The night Obama sank Romney’s battleship and cruised into history. It was Monday, October 22, 2012. The debate had just wrapped when the shouting started next door.

  “Who the hell is that?” I said.

  “It’s my neighbor,” said the Artist. “He’s getting a divorce.”

  We leaned in, listening through the thin apartment walls: two voyeurs of misery.

  He: You’re dead to me! Don’t ever talk to me again, you whore!

  She: Why is it me? Why is it always me? Look at yourself! Drunk and broke. Drunk and broke.

  He: Get out! Get the fuck out, you bitch!

  There was a loud crash, and something thumped against the wall. I cringed and looked at the Artist. He shrugged his shoulders. We heard a door open and then slam shut, voices spilling outside.

  The Artist got up off the couch and peeked through the miniblinds. He motioned me over. I looked through the large picture window and watched an all-too-familiar scene go down in the grassy courtyard. A husband and wife fighting over money. Divorce, American style.

  He: You know I’m outta work. I don’t have that kind of cash.

  She: No shit. Drinking thirty beers a day tends to drain a bank account.

  He: That’s not fair. I’ve given you everything you’ve ever wanted. And you’re still not happy!

  “All hands on deck,” I said, peering out through the blinds. “He looks like a Nantucket Prep. Blue button-down. Red club pants. Those ridiculous Top-Siders.”

  “Don’t let the plaid boat shoes fool you,” the Artist said. “He was an all-city QB for Cate.”

  “Remotely interesting. How old is he?”

  “He said he was fifty-one.”

  I scratched my chin. “Huh. Looks older with that gray hair. That gaunt jaw.”

  “He’s in top shape, though,” said the Artist. “I mean, look at him. Tall, lean, and cut. The cold stare of a Burmese python. I wouldn’t want to mess with the guy. He said he’s competing in the CrossFit Games.”

  “At fifty-one?” I said. “Yeah, right. And I’m starting for the Chargers on Sunday. How long have you known him?”

  “He moved in four months ago. But we just started hanging out. His name’s Bales. John Bales. He calls me A instead of the Artist.”

  “How sweet,” I said. “You’re on nickname terms.”

  The shouting match continued in the dimly lit courtyard. Two humans circling each other like cage fighters under a sliced moon.

  She: Get your shit together. Be a fucking man!

  He: Bye. I’m leaving you now. Bye.

  She: That’s it. Run away, little man. Just like you always do.

  It was at that moment that a Talking Heads song swam into my brain. “Once in a Lifetime.” A distressed David Byrne wailing about the trappings of modern life. Staring out at the silver-haired man being flogged and stripped of his dignity, his dark raccoon eyes filled with resignation and futility, I sensed that he too was hearing the same song inside his head.

  I felt sorry for the guy. Even if he was the loser that she proclaimed him to be, I’d lived long enough to know that it took two to tango. His wife, bless her heart, could have starred in any number of reality shows, her face stretched and pulled into something that might sneak up on you in the dark. A skinny, middle-aged, frozen-faced creature with short, dry hair the color of Nebraska straw. I’d often wondered what these plastic surgery mavens saw in the mirror that I didn’t. Whatever it was, it cost money, and lots of it. And it was clear that she was taking him for all he had.

  “Shit,” the Artist said. “He’s coming over. Quick.”

  I glanced out into the night and saw the guy racewalking toward the Artist’s apartment, head down, arms swinging like pendulums.

  We dropped out of sight and dove for the sofa.

  The door banged open and Bales entered like a bull. “My daughter wants an Icelandic pony for Christmas,” he said. “An Icelandic pony.” He threw his arms up. “Un-fucking-believable!”

  He ranted for another full minute before he noticed me.

  “Who the fuck’s this?”

  “This is Richard,” the Artist said. “A buddy of mine from work.”

  “Richard,” he said, rolling the R like he was revving an engine. “What are you, a fuckin’ fighter pilot?”

  He pointed at my bald head.

  “Believe me,” I said, “a naked scalp wouldn’t be my first choice.”

  “No, no. You’re rockin’ the shaved look. I get that. But from now on, your nickname is Mr. Clean. Not Laurence Fishburne Clean, but Mr. Clean. You know, the bald guy that cleans things.”

  I slumped back on the couch. “Whatever makes you happy,” I said. “You seem to be the fraternity president. The big man on campus.”

  He laughed a low, savage laugh. “I’ll call you Norwood if you like,” he said. “Or how about Male Pattern Baldness? Or just MPB for short. How’s that grab ya? Hey, MBP, what’s happenin’? Need a lift over to your Bosley appointment?”

  I knew he was having a go at my expense, but my skin was bunker-thick by now. One of the many perks of living in L.A.

  “Mr. Clean is fine,” I said. “And you? What do I call you?”

  He raised a hand. “That’s a great question, Clean. And one that I mulled over in this large brain of mine for more than a few nights.” He paced the living room, tapping his temple with a slim forefinger. “I’ve narrowed it down to three options.”

  “Drumroll, please.”

  He shot me a cold stare, then punched his words. “Stop Me Before I Fuck Up Again, Fuckface, or just plain ol’ Fucko.”

  The Artist laughed, but the dude was serious.

  “So which one did you choose?” I said.

  Bales rested his forehead against the front door. “You can now address me as Fucko. Just plain ol’ Fucko.”

  “Is that Just Fucko?” I said. “Or Plain Ol’ Fucko?”

  He advanced with clenched fists. “It’s Fucko,” he said. “Just Fucko. What part of that don’t you understand, bald man?”

  The sound of his voice felt like a hot knife at my throat.

  “Okay,” I said, backing off. “Life’s about choice. Flavors. It’s your call.”

  He took a deep breath, then ran a furious hand through his spiky gray hair. “Until I produce an income again…I’m Fucko. That’s because I’m a loooser who can’t buy his daughter a fucking Icelandic pony!”

  Bales kicked over a zebra-skin chair, jarring a nearby painting. “I got nothing! Fucking nothing!”

  “Easy,” the Artist said, rising from the couch. “That’s a work in progress.”

  The Artist, clearly rattled, picked the canvas up off the floor and carefully leaned it against the wall.

  “Sorry, A,” Bales said, massaging the back of his neck.

  The Artist tried to lighten the mood. “Hey,” he said, grinning, “did you watch the debate? Obama made Romney look like a jackass when he started talking shit about the Navy.”

  “No,” Bales said softly. “I didn’t see it.”

  “You missed it. Obama spanked him. Had Romney backpedaling like a little bitch. Here, watch this. It’s epic.”

  I watched Bales roll his eyes and throw his head back in exasperation, as if nothing could be more painful at the moment. The Artist rewound the DVR and played a clip from the debate. Obama was on-screen, chopping the air with his right hand, armed with a quiver of barbs. “We also have fewer horses and bayonets, because the nature of our military has changed. We have these things called aircraft carriers, where planes land o
n them. We have these ships that go underwater, nuclear submarines. And so the question is not a game of Battleship, where we are counting ships…”

  The Artist laughed and froze the screen. “It was great, man. Verbal judo. One zinger after another.”

  “Congratulations,” Bales said. “I hope he wins the election.”

  There was a fatalistic air about him, I thought, the stench of baronial rot. Somewhere along the way he’d given up, or someone had beaten the up out of him. You could see that he didn’t give a damn. And it was clear the White House would be of no help.

  Bales managed a strained smile. “Look…I gotta go.”

  He turned to me with an underlying sense of sadness, head down, eyes locked on the floor. “Sorry for the drama, man. The name’s Bales. John Bales. Nice to meet you, Clean.”

  “Yeah, you too,” I said.

  We fist-bumped in the glimmering light of the TV, and then he was gone.

  And I remember thinking that night he was just like Hurricane Sandy. Blowing in with no rhyme or reason, and no clue about the destruction that lay ahead.

  The Artist’s real name was Jimmy Miller. He lived in Santa Monica on Ninth Street, south of Wilshire, in a one-bedroom apartment. It was just like all the other low-rent structures on the Westside. Tired and run-down, several years of deferred maintenance sagging its bones. The two-story, fifteen-unit U-shaped building, typical of Southern California, was a stucco shitbox with a smooth facade of institutional beige. I should know, I lived in one across town. Beach-weathered front doors opened out to a small grassy courtyard that offered just enough space to trick its inhabitants into thinking they were living the high life in vintage luxury. This was common in these parts.

  Fooling yourself is an L.A. pastime.

  Nothing much happened in the courtyard except for the occasional semi-hostile neighborly exchange—who parked in whose spot, and who was over-the-top loud last night. Sound was of the utmost importance because the walls were so thin. You knew every neighbor by the shows they watched, the music they listened to, the company they kept, and what they said on the phone.